This is the vent page.
CW/TW: there'll be many mentions of suicidal thought, dissociation, body issues, etc.
If you're reading this, I love you.

February 19th ; [08:03]

havent posted in so lon whatever sorry lol anyways i have been obsessing over an artist for like a week and posting about himnonstop in every single server im in and everything and amking every convo about him bc his music has stopped me from killing myself in the past 2 months when ive been cripplingly depresssed and gave me something to put my energy towards and he just announced a new album so that is gonna keep me going for another few months especially during spring which is when im the most depressed and suciidal besides deceember which is when i first got into himAnd i am so thankful for having found this music but the friend who got me into him just told me i 'ruined him over a span of 2 days ' and i feel so fcuking annoying this happens with all my hyperfixations i feel like such a fucking waste and so annoying i feel like i ruined everyones lives and conversations and now i never wanna talk about this shit again and never wanna listen to it again i cant fucking do this anymore jahaahajaahaajaajaahaahah

January 12th ; [20:21]

literally just came tothe realization that my ex raped me three years ago and now i feel empty and i dont know what todo anymore nothing feels real at all nothing is real rn

November 30th, 2020 ; [20:04]

i'm doing so fucking horribly lol. my sleep schedule is disgusting ( since i had the week off for thanksgiving, i've been sleeping at 8am and waking up at 5pm ). i just took a five hour nap instead of doing any homework because i cant nap during school anymore due to cameras being required for attendance. i look fucking disgusting too because im too depressed and unmotivated to shower or brush my hair. my dad is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to my brother and i and i cant do fucki g anything about it. *** has been dealing with shit too so i have to console her as wel and i cant do that when i feel like killing myself constantly which makes me feel even MORE guilty. none of my other friends give a fucking shit about how i want to constantly die and i dont want to bother them with it so i keep isolating myself and even then they dont reach out because again i know they dont fucking give a shit. i have no one and i have practically no reason to keep going. im literally so fucking miserable i hate it

November 18th, 2020 ; [12:19]

idk where else to put this but ive been dissociating a lot more than usual ( lol, 'usual' ) and like sleeping so much to the point where the time that i spend awake doesnt rly seem real.. idk it's weird. have also felt like self harming a lot more as a result ,, been listening to lots of sematary and he talks abt keeping the box cutter on him or wtv and that got me fantasizing abt cutting which ive never done b4. ive only ever burnt and i havent done that in a whiiiile. this is kind of related but not rly but i smoked a cig for the first time in yeaaaars the other night bc i had to stay up to finish an assignment. it helped but like since then is when ive wanted to sh all the time.. i think it was cause i held the lighter and like i keep fantasizing about giving myself cig burns 2. idk lmao im off my rocker anyways i am fine i dont have access 2 any thing i can harm my self w anyways :p still @ crazy man baby scary yelling dad's house, cannot ffffffuuucucking wait 2 leave omm

November 16th, 2020 ; [08:05]

wanting to die at my dads house again TEEHEEHEEHEEE he was fucking puking for two hours last night ( he doesnt drink or anything, i think hes just sick ) and the ONE bathroom in the house i RIGHT NEXT TO MY ROOM and the walls are paper thin because we are fucking dirt poor so that was an AMAZING experience tryign to work / sleep < 3 3 3 3 and now today hes angry at whatever the fuck and whenever he raises his voice and i can hear him from across the house it makes me like shrivel up and recoil inside i cant fucking take it it drives m e fuckign crazy i hate him so fucking much sometimes

side notebut i can feel myself becoming depressed again lololol i literally fucking slept thru an ENTIRE DAY OF SCHOOL on friday because i slept at 6am two nights in a row and got a total of 3 hrs of sleep so the second day i just slept completely and woke up at fucking 4pm. kept the same sleep schedule for every night during the weekend ( and even tho i got to vc with people and had a good time i was still fucking pissed every time i woke up late ). got no work done over the weekend so i had to do it all while my dad was puking last night ha ha ha ha. also was in an incredibly bad mood during that and listened to fucking american football lp1 which i have been physically unable to listen to due to trauma for TWO YEARS and it made me SO MUCH WORSE and all my friends were ignoring me as per usual!!!!! ha ah aha ha ha ahaha kill me

November 3rd, 2020 ; [03:18]

ughhhhhhh i fucking hatebeing at my dads house it literallygives me the WORST fucking feeling when all my friends areon vc and i cant be on vc because m y dad lives in a shitty fucking 3 room apartment with paper thin walls And one of the ppl in the discord server im in has been geting into wresstling which is awesome And i just saw that he was fukcking live streaming it on call with JG and i want to genuinely KILL MYSELF i CANNOT DO THIS anymore lollllllllllllllll never opening discord again i want to fucking die

October 27th, 2020 ; [00:21]

literally about to cry bc i have had none zero no time at all whatsofuckingever to watch wrestling and now JG is in fucking 2010 and i missed so sososososososoossoososo much shit and i dont even know who half the ppl are and hes talking to this dude in a server we're in about early 2010s wrestling and i have no fucking clu e what theyre talkkign about and i just want to fuckingf die i dont even have time to do wjat i enjoy anymore bc o f how much fucking work i have i literally just want to kill myself i cant take thisshit anymore

lol now i am crying bc i just realized i have a fukcing math quiz tmrw and my mom said she was gonnna email my counselor and drop the class bc im fuckig failing and dont understand anything and genuinely cannot keep taking the class And she didnt do it yet so now i have to take and fial the fuckign quiz JAJAJAJAJSHSAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHA

October 26th, 2020 ; [18:25]

i literally hate my body so fucking much kmsksmksmksmks i ordered a bunch of shirts off depop bc i wanted to look like a cool skater boy from 2008 and they got here and none of them fit me right they literally cling to my curves and make me look like a complete fucking girl Plus im literally gigantic so even if i didnt have massive hips they would look horrible on me anyways ahahahahah literally gonna force myself to work out even if i have no fucking time bc of homework Like i just need to lose weight so these shirts fit me right im having a fucking crisis lollooloololol Also i want a fucking binder i hate how my tits ruin every single outfit they literally have no purpose i want them GONE dxdxdxdxdxdxdx IN OTHER NEWS my teacher embarrassed me in front of the class by making me read out my grades and then telling me to drop the class Which i am doing along with another one xPPPPPPPP love fucking failing less than a week into second quarter so awesome Kill me

October 25th, 2020 ; [22:15]

literally having such a fucking shitty night lol I was on this website called JQBX where you put on music and people rate it and it's rly fun And i with JG and some guys from the discord server and hell in a cell was on and i was jus having such a good time and then JW joins and i say 'boooo' jokingly and some time passes and he starts saying 'no one cares' and calling me an idiot whenever i comment about thw songs And he just made me feel so fucking terrible like i genuinely feel like fucking shit And then everyone started leaving the listening session so basically any fun i was having over those two hours INSTANTLY left my body along with any semblance of joy lol. Not to mention i have a fucking UNIMAGINABLE amount of homework and im gonna fail all my fucking classes i already have a 50 and two Cs and teh wuarter started less than a week ago bhahhahahahahahaah OH ALSO DONT KNOE HOW I FORGOT TO FUCKING MENTION BUT I GOT FUCKING MISGENDERED BY A FRIEND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FUCKING MONTHS AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHAHA

October 19th, 2020 ; [23:04]

JG and JW are on vc in the other server we're in and some random fucking dude who just joined is in there and they gave him the 'Goodfellas' role ( which was my special role that i appreciated a lot because Goodfellas is my favorite piece of media of all time and literally like my favorite thing ever and everyone on earth knows that ) so i texted our server being like "im actually kinda pissed that they gave ( random dude ) goodfellas role" and fucking piece of shit asshole dick who hates me JW screenshotted it and sent it in the other server lol so now i want to fcking kill myself Also i am so fucing anxious because i have to do the volunteer shit tmrw with *** and this situation just made it worse like i want to die lol

October 9th, 2020 ; [09:28]

I am simply having such a shitty day and I woke up 15 mins ago ugh ... my school switched back to our old schedule ( meaning I have to wake up at fucking 7am most days and 9am the others ) because fucking 400 out of 5000 students chose to go back to irl learning... I do not know a SINGLE person who chose that option and it's just so fucking nonsensical to me and makes me so fucking angry. Why the fuck should the rest of the school have to deal with this stupid fucking schedule just because a small fraction of dumbasses chose to go back??? Like jesus fuck. Also fucking *** is dry texting me again and I was supposed to do volunteer work with her on Sunday but my dad is cancelling it cause of covid paranoia, and now he's putting the responsibility on ME to figure out how to tell *** AND argue with my mom about it. Idk how fucking *** expects me to respond to 'Yep' but it's not my fucking fault if I can't come up with anything lol fuck you. Also I was bored last night and my savior complex told me that even though MN is a right wing sexist borderline 4channer ... I can fix him!!! So I texted him fucking 'u so icy ima glacier boy' ( as a half joke ) and he respinded with fucking 'wot' and now i want to die lol. My life is a joke no cap < 3333

October 6th, 2020 ; [13:06]

oh my god im arguing with a bunch of marvel fanboys in a discord server because theyre yellig at me for saying marvel is american nationalist military propoganda ( IT FUCKING IS LOL ) and one of them is a transphobe attacking me for 'believing in three genders' and the server admin is like "IM WAITING FOR YOU TO MAKE AN ARGUMENT." but im literally in class and cant create a logical argument to defend mystance and i was UNMUTED WITHOUT REALIZING and i dont know if i said or made any noise while i was unmuted jifiajelwfn kill meeee

October 1st, 2020 ; [20:07]

literally have been having such a horrible day in every way and was feeling slightly slightly better adnd then i see that fucking JW who told me to kill myself yesterday is watching goodfellas my favorite movie of all time and biggest comfort in one of the servers im in bahhahahahahaha i just want to fucking disappear

October 1st, 2020 ; [12:02]

all my friends hate me and i literally only annoy them because somehow it is fucking impssible for a single one of them to show any consideration whe n im having a fucking panic attack and trying my hardest not to bother anyone with it but obviously i have to say something at some fucking point so the fact that everyone just blatantly ignores everything i fucking say and only acknowledge my existence when i LEAVE makes me want to genuinely fucking die like i cannot handle this bullshit Not to mention it fucks with my fu king dissociatiion and makes me feel like i dont exist likei reeally am not feeling well bc of this but ofc its all my fault for being overdramatic and annoying and expecting too much from people And i highly fucking doubt a single fuckingn one of them is gonna reach out to see if im ok becausee they genuien;y do not fucking care and would not care if i died

September 24th, 2020 ; [18:28]

aboit to hVW a fucking breakdowm be ause of the sheer amiunt of fucking work i have to do ajd its all due in 6 hours and i have barely fucking started it and on top of that i havent watched wrestling in so fucking long i literally watched nxt and aew yesterday for the first time in weeks bc my favorite wrestler was getting a chance at a title shot ( thank fucking god he won or i'd kill myself for wasting thzt ,much time ) and just The fucking fear of missing out is hitting me like a fucjing truck because JG has been watching shit without me for over a month and obviously hes not obligated to wait for me to be able toi watch but ive missed SO MANY fucking ppvs and im never watching them because i dont have time to watch 20 three hour long shows And even WORSE he started watching wrestling with thsis fucking dude HS who is NEVER and i mean NEVER FUCKING ctive and he shows uo fucking once in like 3 weeks and JG convinces him to watch wreslting. And the other day JG and I watched Zoolander and it was so much fun and fuckin g last night he fucking rewatched it with two RANDOS from this other server like it jst makes me feel like a fuckin g joke aznd a burden and it feel slike hes bored and never wants to watch shit wwith me again and all the months i spent staying up until 7am watching wrestling w him are fucking wasted and dont matter anymore bc i have NO fucig time to partake in my interests hahahahahah

September 22nd, 2020 ; [09:49]

in such a bad mood today i dont even know why bc nothing in particular fucking happened but i am literally just so pissy and everythin g is making me angry and i HATE being in moods like this but it happens so often and i just... UGHGHHHHH i do not wanna speak t anyone but at the same time im pissed at the fact thta no one fucking talks to me or is active in general until after school when all i wanna do is fucking sleep And on top of that my fucking phone wotn fucking update to ios14 so while everyone has their cool widget setups im left with fucking nothing -_- i wanted to do a cool drainer one and an old web one but ofc i cannot so now im stuck listening to bladee on my fucking 9am anatomy call wanting to d*e as always

September 15th, 2020 ; [09:26]

my dad pciked us up and brought us to his house for tonight and tmrw bc my mom has some stupid fucking exam and doesnt want me to stay within the same fucking vicinity as her and i am so fucking angry and sad and devestated i literally burst into tears just now thinking about how im gonna have to deal with my dad fucking screaming tomorrow as i try to work And also i took a fucking 2 hour nao to avoid talking to my dad and also because i had (and still have) a massive fucking headache And he didnt fucking wake me up like i asked him to so now i have to do ALL MY FUCKING HOMEWORK in the next two and a half hours, it's fucking impossible to focus at his house considering i have no proper fucking workspace AND todAY THE fucking AC broke conviniently so now im fucking sweating everywhere bc we lvive in fucking miami so it's 90 degrees in september. i want to fuckingk kill myself i cant deal with all this shit i cant fucking qork here i hate my father im pissed at my mom for frocing us to go to his house today for no fucki g reason i just wanna fuckign lesve and never come back

September 13th, 2020 ; [01:24]

no one ever calls me fucking kyle unless i introduced myself to them as that like although i dont feel bothered by my birthname and go by it mostly everywhere i DO fucking use the name kyle TOO which means i would fucking like people to use it sometimes lol And i feel annoying as fuck telling people anything about what i prefer related to gender and shit or just talking about it in general lolololol fucking kill me i will never be happy with my identity :DDDDDD

September 11th, 2020 ; [12:45]

my dad is a fucing terrifying abusive piece of fuckings hit ehes literally sbeen screaming at mmy 8 year old brother telling him he wants to slap him for being so useless and fucking berating him for breaking his compute r and ive been unable to participate in class becaysuse i cant unmute and i had to keeep my camera on so i couldnt even fucing cry or anything i feel fucking numb i cant fucking take this anymore ic ant stand having to deal with this fucking man screaming and crying like a babvy and emotionally abusing my brother and i and then only apologizing so that it puts him in a good light and so we like him better than my mom so he has fucking custody rights I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE I CANT STAND LIVNG HERE THIS IS WHY I WANTED T O STAY AT MY FUCKING MOMS I CANT FUCKING LIVE LIK E THIS I WANT TO FUCKING LEAVE SO BADLY btut im with him until fucking sunday againn its so fucking yterrible i cant even do nmy fucking work and i have to preten d everything is fine and i cant even fucking rant to anyone becasue *** got her fucking instagram hacked so shes having a paniic attack about that and her parents are emotionslly abusive asshoeles too so theyre making that worse And all my other friends are annoyed when i spam and vent ps i cant fucki9ng o do anything im fucking stuck here with no one to liten to me and nothing i can do jahhAHAHHhahhaha

September 10th, 2020 ; [19:30]

having bpd is so fucking exhausting. i was in such a good mood at 3-4, i was hyper and energetic and laughing at everything and talking to my best friends and now in a ten minute span i start feeling like fucking shit and wanting to die. i genuinely feel fucking terrible for no reason. kill me lol

September 10th, 2020 ; [11:59]

fucking god, I was checking my mutuals' websites because i haven't been on here in nearly two weeks and i just saw hwat happened to brody / peegirl :/ it's so devestating and i'm so so so so so grateful that she's okay. this community means so much to me as it's helped me through what was one of the worst months for me mentally ( late march / mid april ) so to know that these people experience such terrible things breaks my heart. i love all of you so extremely much and i am so glad that i have you. i give everyone reading this my full love and support, know that if you need to talk i'll do the best i can to listen and help. please stay safe everyone. i love you forever < 3

September 1st, 2020 ; [04:52]

Actually had a really fun night on voicechat with JG, IK, and a bunch of people from the MN server and we played a bunch of gamea and stuff but they kept referring to me as female and she and making jokes about me being a girl and shit and it makde me eant to fucking die but i didnt wanna ruin the mood by correctg tbem lololl

August 27th, 2020 ; [13:25]

i have the worst fucking music tastee known to man and im never telling anyone to listen to the music i like ever again because they either never ucking listen to it or they do and then think its horrible becausea ll the music i listen to soudnds the same and it all sounds liek shitty annoying whiny screaming emo dgd which is the worst music ever made and anyone ho listens to dgd or any kind of post hardcore should fucking ill themselves instead of thinking they have any kind of acceotabl e taste

August 27th, 2020 ; [11:04]

lol we had a socratic seminar on social media and how it affects us socially / with how we present ourselves and that kind of shit and I was actually kind of excited bc I made an entire fucking video piece relating to how we display ourselves digitally and how it causes a disconnect between reality and the artificial version of ourselves we create online and how that can fuck with social skills but we can also find groups of people who understand us and share in our niche interests and ALSO I was gonna mention fucking influencers and clout culture and all that shit but This one STUPID FUCKING BITCH would NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP like she literally spoke 6 fuckin times i fucking counted it Every single time I was gonna say something she would jump in with something completely fucking unrelated. And then at the end when we had 2 minutes left my teacher let this other braindead bitch speak and she just repeated what someone said earlier and was like 'I feel like I can't have my own interests because my friends judge me waa' LIKE BITCH the internet is one of tghe most powerful tools for finding people who like the saame shit as you??? I've literally found people who like the old web and fucking wrestling and dance gavin dance and all the weird obscure films I watch like I would NEVER be able to express myself like that and find similar people irl in a million fucking years. But ofc I coukdnt fucking SAY any of that thanks to these fucking braindead idiots taking up all the time. And I mentioned in our stupid groupchat how I wasnt able to talk and WHAT ARE THE ODDS miss 'im perfect let me take up all the fucking time' is like 'awww im so sorry! there wasnt enough time for everyone to speak : (' MAYBE IF YOU WOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE THERE WOULD BE TIME LOL OKAY FUCK YOU BITCH. Olus I was taking fucking notes during it like I always do But I think the camera cut off my pen so it just looked like I was looking down on my phone BAHAHAHA and my teacher mentioned lik e 'i can tell some of you are multitasking rn' and i couldnt just be like 'im taking notes fuck you dumb fuckig bitch' so now im not even gonna get points for notetaking which would get me a D for not talking irl lol. cant wait to see my fucking 0 in the gradebook HAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!

August 24th, 2020 ; [03:19]

genuinely hope i die in my fucking sleep i cant fucking take living anymore lol

August 24th, 2020 ; [03:10]

feeling sooo auciidal rn its so fucking funny like i literally just want to throw myself out of the fuckung window rn and ntohing would stop me fucking nothing llol and everything else in life would be better for everyone because all i am is this annoying fucking presence that ruins every aspect of everyones lives and it would just be better in general if i was gone but i cant do rhat bc thrn everyone will have to deal eith the blame for me dying like the stupid bitch that i am Lol that would not be better for them sigh guess yheyll have to deal with me beinv an annoyinv insane piece of shit asshole Wig LOLLLL!!!!!!!! should also stop truing to be taken seriously as an enby while im at it bc no one will ever accept me in tbe fuckung real world when i leave this sheltered personal bubble on the internet i need to grow the fuck up and realize that i cant ezpress myself how i want to when im around other people who take life seriously

August 24th, 2020 ; [00:33]

Why is it so hard for some people to adjust to my pronouns??? I've been out to JG for like a month and a half nearly and he still keeps accidentally calling me 'she' :( JW and IK have no trouble, even HS who is NEVER active knows I'm nonbinary and uses they/them??? Even fucking MN who asked JW about what nonbinary means called me fucking they today. I feel bad about getting mad because I know JG would never misgender me on purpose and I feel annoying if I keep repeating myself to correct him but like :/ this is my identity lol. I guess everyone still sees me as a fufcking girl who's just acting quirky and hasn't registered my pronouns even tho it's been almost 2 fucking months harharhar. kill me XP

August 22nd, 2020 ; [13:58]

days without me being in an extremely shitty mood bc of a fucking discorfd server: 0

August 22nd, 2020 ; [03:51]

currently rly depressed lol bc i watched Unfriended with the boys and then afterwards we were fucking around on vc listening to music and then all of a sudden JG got really sad and muted himself :/ that made me super sad and the mood just went super fucking off and i hated it. sometimes it feels like i dont belong in any kind of friendly environment because no one actually likes me or wants to hear about my interests so maybe i should just permanently shut myself in lol. no one wanted to hear any of the terrible shitty music i played on vc either and i shouldve taken the hint from the start instead of being an annoying fucking bitch and adding more lol. awesome. i want to kill myself but what is new tbh Als o feeling extremely dysphoric and lik i dont belong in this body or any body i dont know maybe im mistaking depersonlization with some gender bullshit but who knows at this point bc i willl never be ,enatally stable in any facet of my stupid fucking existence and i shjouldnt even try to make friends bc of that reason Ha ha ha ahaha

August 8th, 2020 ; [14:47]

ugh basically everyone in the stupid server i left w the stupid annoying inside joke has had this other joke with another server where they just make fun of this dude for having shitty taste and the admin of that server is this nice dude who's trying to get into cinema but his taste is wonky But basically the reason i'm even venting is bc this dude always and i mean ALWAYS says 'he/she' to refer to this person whose gender he doesn't know and i said in my server 'it annoys me when ___ says he/she like how hard is it to use they if u dont know somebodys gender' and ofc JW's fucking bitchy asshole self has to say 'HES TRYING JESUS HE DOESNT KNOW' as if a week ago he wasnt making fun of him lol but apparently now IM making fun of him bc i get annoyed by him doing something that albeit unknowingly still invalidates me as someone who uses singular they/them but whatever

August 6th, 2020 ; [16:08]

Love leaving a server bc I cannot stand them talking about their one stupid fucking inside joke and centering 90% of server conversations around it and poking fun at anyone who doesn't participate in their fucking 4th nightly watchparty of the same movie and literally not talking about anything else And then getting told I'm being a hypocrite bc apparently that is equated to me talking about FUXCKING WRESTLING. like okay sorry for fucking taling about an interest that i have but i dont make it into my only fucking personality trait and dont talk about tucking anything else and invade other servers and spam about it and shit on other people for not watching it But apparently it's okay for THEM to do bc theyre just jokigng around about their interest xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDd

August 5th, 2020 ; [16:39]

This all-nighter or whatever the fuck has been going fucking abysmally because I accidentally fell asleep at 2 and woke up at fucking 4 and then got pissed about some trivial shit and every single interaction I was having made me feel worse and more fucking angry. I took a shower which helped very very very slightly and then went to open ***'s messages from last night like usual feeling good because she had given me plenty of messages to branch off of and continue conversations with but fucking THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNN she fucking OPENS the chat and types 'Hello' out of fucking NOWHERE so then I have to fucking respond to that and start a new fucking conversation and for fucking WHAT. Why the fuck does she do shit to purposely guilt trip me and make me feel physically fucking ill????? I thought we came to an understanding. She apologized and told me she understood that I need to fucking isolate. And now she's purposely giving me fucking anxiety attacks?????? lololololol I genuinely want to kill myself like today was supposed to be tiring but helpful and now I just feel like fucking garbage and the worst part is I can't even fucking sleep it off until 5 hours from now bahahahah, im literally scared to open my fucking phone now bc i dont wanna see her messages like i just want to keep to myself like always why is it so fucking difficult my life is such a depressing godforsaken fucking JOKE and it hurts

July 25th, 2020 ; [00:19]

imagine agreeing with someone that youre gonna do something two weeks prior and then when the day comes around the person is anxious all day about being able to do the thing at a good time for everyone even though they dont really want to anymore but suggest similar things but no one really cares and then the person actually cant do the thing anyways because they have to babysit their brother for two hours at one in the morning so they start feeling sewerslidal and leave the group chat only to find out that everyone got drunk and had a fun time on vc without them and stayed up all night not giving a fuck and then the night after they have to babysit their brother again but instead of waiting everyone takes the original plan (that was planned two weeks ago) and does it with the gigantic group of people that are the person's replacement while they were unavailable for a week and a half so then the person has their second breakdown in under 24 hours and leaves again only for no one to care (unsurprisingly) and then gets a text from the only person who didnt abandon them to go talk to their replacement friends but he only texted them because he was 'bored' that they left

July 25th, 2020 ; [00:03]


July 24th, 2020 ; [04:03]

let's play: is it a. his taurus sun, b. he just doesn't give a shit about me, or c. he's still mad at me about how i owe him 16 dollars!

July 24th, 2020 ; [00:54]

currently wanting to be perceived as non-female even more because of a discussion that in part mentioned how gaslighting is used as a buzzword now and now im thinking about how no one will ever take my trauma seriously because they still see me as a woman but even if i was a fully cisgender man they wouldnt take it seriously either so now im just fucking terapped lol im never gonna have a healthy relationship again bc i can no longer talk about my trauma to friends without feeling invalidated and hated on due to stereotypes about a gender i no longer identify with

July 22nd, 2020 ; [14:21]

and now JG is mad at me because I forgot to cancel my WWE Network subscription so it charged his credit card. AAAAGGGGGHHHHH. I don't have a bank account or any kind of digital money so I can't pay him back, and I already owe HW four dollars and JG six for paying for LAST month's subscription fee. I was literally gonna cancel the subscription on Sunday and freaked out because I thought it was already the 21st but then I fucking forgot to cancel when it was actually gonna renew. I feel like such a fucking leeching idiot and I want to die sooooo bad. JG is usually chill with lending money and sharing stuff but he is SO blunt when confronting me with issues (which I REALLY appreciate do not get me wrong) so I just feel so fucking bad. His family has been dealing with unemployment and money issues and now he only has a dollar in his bank account for such a stupid fucking reason. We were literally gonna share his account because it works on multiple devices at once and I FORGOT to fucking cancel mine. I want to end myself honestly.

July 19th, 2020 ; [03:11]

She ignored me all day yesterday. In a way I'm kinda relieved? But I'm scared for the future. I'm supposed to give her her birthday gift (a month late) so this timing could not have been worse. Plus, there's the anatomy class we're taking together... sigh, I'll just try to somehow not think about it. Too much stress in my life already.

July 17th, 2020 ; [20:12]

She didn't accept my apology. I don't know what to do anymore. I sent a self-pitying second? third? apology saying that I literally can't help it that I isolate myself and I don't know why I do it and that I'm sorry. I really didn't wanna lose her as a friend because she's put up with me for so fucking long and is one of the only people who understands me but at this fucking point I just can't. I can't talk to her the way we used to. I need to grow as a person and maybe this is my brain's way of manifesting that change. She's the last remaining semblance of the person I was a year ago and beyond. I'm not that person anymore, at all. This had to happen, as much as it fucking pains me. She's literally like a sister to me but I cannot continue letting myself feel this suffering and anxiety and stress and depression over her and our friendship. It's too much of a load to bear. I'm just done with it all.

July 17th, 2020 ; [16:43]

I sent an apology to *** for the millionth time in the past 4 months last night and she just replied and I am fucking TERRIFIED to open it. I feel so extremely fucking guilty because I know my apologies do nothing to make up for my actions but I just HAVE to isolate myself I just can't deal with this obligation of having real life friends and this fucking persona I've built for myself. I don't know what happened in Novemeber that changed me so much but I genuinely feel like such a different person but I feel like if I tell that to her she's gonna think I'm making shit up and being dramatic for an excuse or something. I'm so fucking scared especially since school is starting so soon. I'm gonna have a fucking class with her this year. I just pray to some deity that we have a hybrid/purely online schedule for a while because I genuinely cannot handle social interaction anymore. I want to die so bad. I fucked up.

July 15th, 2020 ; [12:20]

greatest mistake i ever fucking made was thinking i'd be able to think about myself and my own mental health for once in my fucking life instead of dedicating myself to making someone else feel better about themselves because no matter what i fucking did it didnt fucking change anything or help and now that im not constantly trying to help this person it's exactly the same but now they get to subtweet me and guilt trip me for not fucking being there. i literally want to fucking vomit right now because of the sheer anxiety and state of panic that these fuckin g subtweets put me into. no amount of reassurance will change how they perceive me simply because i want to keep to myself and deal with my own mental health. it's genuinely absurd to me how i'm not allowed to take care of myself without being fucking attacked for 'not caring' about this person and 'not being very good at pretending i want to be their friend'. what the fuck did i do. i literally fucking cant anymore i cant i cant i cant im so fucking scared for school id ont know what im gonna do oh my god kill me kill m e kill me kill me i don t know if this person knows how much fucking anxiety they instill in me by fucking subtweeting me and making me feel like worthless human garbage but hahahahaha if they do it's working that's for sure xDDDDDD dont know what to fucking do anymore because any conversation we have is me walking on fucking eggshells trying to continue it and they keep unsending shit when i dont reply and making it so much harder for me to sustain the conversation and i dont know what to talk about because if i start a conversation i'll seem selfish but they dont fucking tell me anything anymore because i dont reply instantly like i used to when i prioritized helping them over everything else in life. maybe i'll just not talk to anyone ever again lol maybe then i wont feel as fucking guilty for doing absolutely nothing Unless im crazy and im actually making this all up and being a manipulative piece of shit and am completely in the wrong but i guess i have no way of knowin g hahahahhha

July 15th, 2020 ; [12:11]

so fucking AP scores came out and *** has been tweeting nonstop about how she got a 4 on AP Art and she's acting like it's the end of the fucking world and she literally got a five on PSYCH which is one of the hardest fucking AP classes and classes in general to take. All the while I got a fucking THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE on AP Euro and I literally want to KILL MYSELF because I feel like such a fucking idiotic waste of space who disappointed my teacher lol. I probably got the lowest score in the entire fucking class. I shouldn't be surprised honestly because I got straight Ds and Cs on tests for over half the fucking year and I singlehandedly brought down the class average ( literally PROVEN to have been my shitty grade lol. ). I'm so fucking done and I literally feel like such an idiot. I can;t wait to see how far my fucking GPA went down because I haven't even bothered to check. Guess I'm really not going to NYU hahahahahahhahahhah

July 14th, 2020 ; [02:13]

i am in suuuuuuuuuuuch a bad fucking mood rn not even gonna get into it bc im too emotionally spent harharhar but the entire planet has an agenda against me and life would be better if i were dead goodnight < 3

July 11th, 2020 ; [05:04]

ok forgive my lack of grammar and spellchecking i do not care enough omg lolz i am soooo manic rn anyways i was supposed2 watch summerslam with JG tonite but i am honestly SO exhausted from vcing him every single night for like 7 hours. like i genuinely love him he is the best but girl i need some ALONE TIME. anyways i ignored him and texted IK once or twice in the time tht i was ignoring him cauuuseee IK is awesome and the only person i talk 2 outside of the server LOL. and IK mwntioned me texting him during vc with JG ..... he says hes not mad but obviously sis is annoyed and i dont blame him tbh ! buuuuuut getting to the point ( finally ) this dude is rly watching OUR WRESTLING YTP on call with JW my sworn nemesis who is always praying on my downfall and killing my vibe??? bitch NOOO!!! that is 1. NOT what u do. omg. we have watched that stupid youtube poop sooooo many times and for him to watch it with the dude who hates me while knowing hes annoyed w me already.... it sounds like spite to me ! i mite pull a stupid bitch move and join muted lolll yeah im doing tht rn < 3 just to make em sweat a lil

July 8th, 2020 ; [01:11]

lol just joined fucking voicechat with everyone as they were in the middle of a movie bc they didnt bother telling me when they fucking started it and i can 'join since i've seen it tbh' and then when i joined no one fucking aknowledged my presence at least not enough for me to fucking say anything back and they didnt give me the fucking timestamp either bc they hate me and dont want me ruining their fun little watchparty ha ha ha ha ha. i fucking hate them they can literally all go fuck themselves i do not give a FUCK lol. im literally FUCKING DONE. and the fact that none of them ackowledged me leaving either just fucking cements the fact that they truly despise having to pretend to enjoy my presence in the first place. fucking kill me now ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. so wonderful being exclue by the only fucking """""friends""""" i have. WHATEVER HAHA!!!!!!!111

July 5th, 2020 ; [01:27]

i cant fucking take it anymore no one will ever take my trauma seriously what if im just making everything uo too im justfucking crazy iteeas a joke theres no need for me to react like this but i cant fucking help it i literally cant breathe why did this have to fucking happen to mr i cant i cant i cant and whats fucking worse is no ine cares no one at all im fuccking trappex in a cage pf my own insanity

July 5th, 2020 ; [01:02]

To whoever thought it would be fucking funny to comment 'upload nudes please' on my guestbook: FUCK YOU. I HAVE FUCKING TRAUMA FROM BEING GROOMED SEXUALLY AND COERCED INTO DOING THINGS THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE DONE IN A MENTALLY STABLE STATE. THIS IS MY FUCKING SAFE PLACE AND FOR YOU TO SAY SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS IS DISGUSTING. Go fuck yourself and don't visit my fucking page again.

July 3rd, 2020 ; [19:37]

This is totally a petty thing to get pressed abot but I love how when I tell JG to listen to a song or band it takes weeks sometimes months of convincing or he just never listens to it at all ,,,,, but when IK casually mentions that a band is "his kind of music" he immediately gets into them . Like ok what did i do lol I know you think I have garbage music taste but there's no need to rub it in my fucking face haha thanks give me my Machine Girl scrobble crown back while you're at it asshole

July 2nd, 2020 ; [19:57]

I am THIS FUCKING CLOSE to giving myself a fucking eating disorder because my body dysmorphia has gotten SO bad and I din't even jnow what my fucking pant size is. I ordered the stupid fucking hardy pabts 2 weeks ago thinking I knew my fucking size but NO lol they didnt fucking fit me and now i want to die because i want to wear those pants so fucking bad i just wish i was fucking skinny like all the other girls who can dress alternative without looking like a fucking idiot because they actually have clothes that fit their bodies unlike my disgusting fat fucking thighs that take up half my body hahahahhah. fucking end me now *** can wear whatever she wants because shes ducking skinny but all i can wear are stupid sweatpants and hoodies because thats the only thing that 1. fits me and 2. doesnt hug my entire body shape and make me look even fucking fatter . HAHAHHA!!!!!!

June 30th, 2020 ; [16:08]

Uuuuggghh. My identity issues have been driving me crazy lately and I think I'm outputting them into a gender identity kind of thing. If that makes sense. Idk, I used to go by he/they when I was in like sixth grade because I didn't fully understand how to handle my sense of self and identity issues that came with my BPD. For a while I went back to she/her and even hypersexualized my femininity in 8th grade when I had my first boyfriend. But I've slowly been regressing to that same uncomfortable-ness of being a female. I was talking to JW about masturbation (something that's perfectly normal for us to talk about) but he referred to me 'squirting' and I was like . what the fuck ew. I really don't like the notion that there are people out there who have probably thought about me in a sexual context ,,, I know I should like that? somehow? but it makes me feel SO uncomfortable and I don't know if it's because people are perceiving me in general, perceiving me as a female, or if I'm just uncomfortable with sex. I think I'm gonna start going by they/them strictly, I really don't like being thought of as a female and I feel like if I stop using she/her pronouns entirely it'll help my cause. I've always felt nonbinary and queer (even if in the last 2 or 3 years I've ignored that aspect of myself) and I'm glad I started thinking about my gender and sexuality more recently. I'll bring it up to the boys later tonight maybe.

June 29th, 2020 ; [01:58]

Maybe I'm just fucking crazy but there's something about everyone in my discord server being on voice call and listening to MY favorite artist who I based my entire aesthetic and multiple usernames off of without me and not caring tha t I'm not joining because obviously they don't want me to join and ruin all the fun they're having ahahhahahaha lolololol literally is what happened last time I was on call witht them because i never fucking stop talking andn it's never about anything that they care about im jyst a stupid annoying bitch that nobody wzants around tomorrow i shoud just not text in the chat at all and see how much better it is for them hahahahahhahaha

June 20th, 2020 ; [02:01]

Im gonna cry JW made fun of me for liking neocities and said that i have no life and i tried making it positive by being lile oh whatever im unique i have my own interesta dn im passionate about it and it makes me happy so fuck off and them he started insulting me for calling myself unique and its triggering my individuality complex so fucking bad like im literally so fucking unique nobody is like me no one is close to being like me so whne poepppe say im not unqiue or special it makes me want to fucking kill them because theyre just jealous cause they KNOW theyll never be like me theg couldnt wish it in their wildest fucking dreams im literally a god

June 18th, 2020 ; [19:08]

i genuinely want to die so fucking bad my best friends birthday is in less than a week and i booked a cameo from ine of her favorite drag queens a week ago to make sure it would get delivered before her birthday and the drag queen i booked it from DIDNT FUCKUNG DELIVER IT and the request just expired and i cant fucking do anything about it i want to genuinely die and i cant be in a bad mood around my parents ior anyone because its my brothers burthday and everything is about him

June 18th, 2020 ; [18:14]

Todat's my brothers birthday and i want to fucking curbstomp him so he finally stops talking he has NOT shut up for more than 2 minutes the entire fucking day and my dad obviously cant read the room because he kees making it worse and making me listen to his stupid radio show conspiracies and talking to me while i try to talk a fucking nap while we drive around downtown for 3 fucking hours. literally EVERY sungle thing that my friends say is making me impossibly irritated too so they probably think im being a stupid crazy bitch as always bahahaha. and NO MN has NOT texted me back so he can go fuck himself im not wasting more fucking time on him

June 18th, 2020 ; [11:52]

I feel like such a fucking idiot for texting MN obviously he doesnt actually like me hes just doing it as one big running joke with all his friends because theyre making fun of me and they think im an idiot and the only reason they invited me to the chat in the first place is to make fum of me and see how desparate I am for interaction with people hahahhahahs it must pain him so much to pretend to like me and pretend to embarrass himself by "simping for me on main" what a fucking joke I give up lololol I'm so pathetic for actually starting to fall for him and wanting to actually make something good out of the situation why am I so fucking empathetic nobody deserves me or my love I'll just stay alone like a fucking hermit for the rest of my life Maybe then I won't get hurt by people anymore

Honestly even if he did really like me he shouldnt because I'm a fucming nutcase all ive ever don e is make everyones lives worse because they have to deal with my delusions and paranoia and me treating them like shit and then crawling back an dbegging them for love and attention im so fucking toxic to people i deserve to die alone why why why why why all i want is for someone to love me i just want to share a bond with someone new i cant take this anymore all my current friendships are slowly crumbling i need to experience love for MYSELF i cant kee giving and giving and giving and feeling guilty when i take one single day for myself

June 14th, 2020 ; [00:41]

Not to mention fucking ***???? When my mom asked if she could invite her over today I wanted to fucking scream. Freaked out about it in the stupid fucking discord and of course no one fucking acknowledged it and continued their conversation as if I didn't even fucking say anything (not that I'm surprised). But god, no matter how much I fucking try to keep my friendship with *** going, I just fucking can't. We have NOTHING to talk about. I don't text her back for hours at a time because I just don't know what to fucking say!!! She ends conversations with a single text and it's just a dead end that I have to pick up again or else I'm the one who doesn't fucking care. It's so fucking infuriating. And of course I do care about her, she's like my fucking sister, she's the only one who understands most of the time, and I have to be honest with her, but FUCK. It's all my fault. I don;t know how to fix this. Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me KILL ME whatever it doesnlt fucking matter anyways she thinks i hate her and thats fine fucking let her whatever she probably wants to never fucing see me again lol i dont fucking care i dont care i dont care


I think *** is mad at me for getting into wrestling, which is really fucking stupid. Like yes she told me to watch Drag Race months ago and I didn't which is totally on me but GOD the way she fucking said "because you're bored or because you're a wrestling stan" like you don't have to be so fucking rude ??? Sorry for having my own fucking interests like ... I don't know what she expects honestly. Now she's gonna fucking subtweet me like she always does and make me feel like shit about it, as if I didn't spend a HUNDRED DOLLARS on a fucking Cameo video from a drag queen for her birthday like four days ago. Why is she so fucking rude to me like what did I do to you jesus fuck ?????? whatever fuck her I'm still watching wrestling lololol. Ok kidding I feel guilty as fuck but I shouldn't let her stop me from doing what I fucking enjoy ... it's not like I'm on her ass for not watching all 40 movies I recommended to her ??? Whatever. I hope Edge wins the match against Orton but it doesn't really matter cause I probably won't be able to watch until they're up.


BLEGGGGGHHHHHH this is s o fucking awkward I never should've mentioned wrestling to her like yes she s-would've brought it up eventually cause I talk about it on fucking twitter but just EWW "Oh wig okay lmao" SHUT UP FVDBHJHJ makking me feel guilty as fuck for pursuing my own interests like yass queen ruin my mental health

go home.