This page is where I'll talk about my day and all that crap.
January 4th, 2020 ; [00:15]
happy new year ! I don't really have any resolutions; i mostly just wanna establish rhythm in my life again and discover new film and music stuff. my mom is moving in late February and I'm going with her so that's something to be 'excited' about I guess. I've also been working on my drivers ed courses so I can actually get my permit and license before I graduate ( lol ). I've been pretty interested in 2000s pop culture and drama, especially Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. I watched the latter's documentary This is Paris and some youtube videos on their drama and it's so mf interesting. I've been listening to the same old music, I was hugely into plunderphonics over break and listened to a bunch of John Oswald and Negativland in the early hours of the morning as my sleep schedule was immensely destroyed. I had a pretty boring christmas, no gifts as usual, but JG is sending those DVDs in the mail ( yay ! ). My sleep schedule was really pretty horrible over break, I was sleeping from 8am to 5pm daily and whenever I tried pulling an all-nighter to reset myself I;d fall asleep at 11am and wake up the same time as usual ( I tried this like 4 days in a row ). Now I have school tomorrow and I don;t know how I'm gonna pull myself out of bed at 7am. Hopefully it isn't too stressful and I can just chill for the most part. My dad found the airpod that I lost in November so now I can actually appreciate music more, which is probably why I've been listening to so much of it. I got Dance Gavin Dance to 2000 scrobbles, and now I'm working on getting My Chemical Romance to 1000 (they're at like 770). I joined a Weezer discord server and they're really nice. I hope this year is a fresh start and I find new stuff to get into, as well as learn new things about myself like last year. It's crazy to think that it's been almost a year since the pandemic started... I hope shit goes back to normal soon. That's all for now, love u all < 3
December 22nd, 2020 ; [05:21]
Hi hi hi good morning (lol) everyone !! School is finally out for break but I've still been stressed with shit (ugh), most especially my possible future living situation (lmfao). My mom broke down in tears at 12:30 in the morning the other night while I was in the middle of watching Bergman's Persona (good movie btw) last week, and told me that she has like no money and has to move and my brother and I might have to live with my dad. My obvious reaction was pure sorrow and agony at the thought of any of that, but I've been coming to terms with it and actually got some better news! My mom got an A on this law school thing that her GPA completely depended on so now she doesn't have to worry about school for a while, plus she said I'd be able to live with her when she moved since I'm sixteen and the court can't decide for me anymore!!! In other news I've been watching movies a lot more often now that school is over. Got into Celine Sciamma and I've built up a list of arthousey stuff I wanna get into. I watched Jean Cocteau's the Blood of a Poet and am planning on finishing the other 2/3 of the Orphic trilogy and it was sooo good, it (alongside Persona lol) really reignited my desire to watch more, like, conventionally good cinema since I've been only watching 'vulgar kino' for a few months (what can I say, I'm trans!). Also been listening to lots of Grateful Dead and trying to get Dance Gavin Dance to 2000 scrobbles (they're at around 1840 now I think). Picked up knitting again as well since it calms me I guess. Completely unrelated but my mom is making me do my online drivers ed course over break, which BLOOOOWS. It's a total drag but I'll get through it lol. I'm honestly just glad school is out, but Christmas is gonna blow as usual because neither of my parents have money (lol). I'm used to not getting gifts though. HOWEVER... JG told me he bought me some DVDs and he's gonna mail them to me once my living situation is sorted!!! Which made me super duper happy. I love him very much < 3 Anyways that's pretty much it for now, I'd write more but I gotta sleep so I don't wake up at 5pm again lol. Night bbs < 3
December 4th, 2020 ; [04:11]
I'm finally starting to feel a bit better after being majorly depressed and suicidal over the past few days. I got into Kero Kero Bonito about a wee ago and I absolutely fucking LOVE them. Bonito Generation and Time 'n' Place are now two of my favorite albums and the latter is one of the most relatable and beautiful pieces of art I've ever experienced. In other news, I've become more comfortable with exploring my identity even further. I think the label 'queer' is best to describe both my gender AND sexuality, while non-binary and gay best describe them separately. I do intentify as neither fully male nor female, but I do find comfort and solace in the male identity and of course expression more than the female, which also fits my attraction ( all genders with a strong lean towards male ). I'm comfortable with the MLM / NBLM label but I don't wanna invade the former's spaces and I think the latter doesn;t realy fit since I do expereince attraction to women still. Anyways, I think I'm gonna start going by the name Rigby alongside my other chosen name and my deadname too, but I'm taking my deadname off some online stuff like tumblr. I've never exactly felt dysphoric about or otherwise negative towards my deadname, but I just prefer going by other names sometimes to feel more euphoric and at home in my gender identity. I'd prefer if only close friends called me my deadname, and I might change my display name to either Kyle or Rigby in the public discord server I'm in sometime in the future. I'm not sure, though, since all the friends I've made in there do know me as 'deadname' now lol.
Happy late Thanksgiving btw! I'm so grateful for this community. Neocities has allowed me to express myself and explore my interests in ways I never could have imagined, and some of the people I;ve met here are the absolute sweetest and I owe them tons. Love you all and I hope you're doing well : )
November 16th, 2020 ; [08:24]
I love wrestling so much. The other night JG and I watched You Cannot Kill David Arquette, a documentary about David Arquette ( duh ) and how he decided to get back into wrestling after his heavily criticized stint as WCW champion in 2000 as promotion for the film Ready to Rumble. I don't know, something about seeing how passionate David was to train properly and go through all the necessary trial and struggle in order to pay respect to the pro wrestling sport and its culture, going to backyard deathmatches, lucha in Mexico, and little indy promotions with random cool guys ( Colt Cabana, Booker T, Jungle Boy, and fucking Joey Ryan showed up lol ) showing up made me so so happy. It reminded me of why I love this sport and its culture. The people who participate in it, both audience and fighter, are so passionate about what they do, the latter are so fucking talented and go through unimaginable lengths to deliver a performance worth seeing. The world of pro wrestling is so intricate and beautiful and aspects like world-building, plot, character development, and just these complex dynamics are wonderfully designed and portrayed and I just love them. Even when wrestling doesn't have all the theatrics and writing I still adore it. There's something about seeing dudes hit each other with lightbulbs in their backyard on a shitty plywood ring that makes me so happy, it jut feels so fucking carefree. Same thing with indy promotions like PWG - everyone seems like family and just genuinely happy to be there. Whenever I watch PWG videos from 2012-2017 my mood is instantly improved, I love them so fucking much and they really stand for everything I adore about this sport.
Unrelated but I've been playing so much fucking Minecraft with FJ and LS from the server that I think my brain is rotting. Good times tho. I'm also generally kind of bummed that I haven't been watching as much wrestling OR movies lately ... been much more on the music grind because of LM (see: love diary) but I need to get back into the first two soon. I just have way too much work :/
November 8th, 2020 ; [02:42]
Hi all - seems like every time I update this I'm apologizing for not having updated lol. Still swamped with school, in fact I dropped a class and am considering dropping another due to the sheer amount of shit I've been having to do. Now that I think about it, a lot of shit has happened since I last updated. Guess this'll be a big entry.
My birthday was on the 19th, and that went okay I guess. I stayed up by myself and didn't vc anyone cause JG had school the next day, but JW stayed up with me while I watched some movies and that was real nice. I watched some of my all-time favorites, including Universal Soldier (technically the day before cause it was Jean-Claude Van Damme's birthday lol), Natural Born Killers (the director's cut bluray JG got me for Christmas last year), Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, and of course Goodfellas. I bought some tshirts, including an MCR shirt, a CM Punk 2011 shirt, and a Randy Orton 2008 shirt (mostly for the cool design), as well as a 90s Champion crewneck. The MCR shirt still hasn't arrived, but I'm happy with the Punk and Randy shirts -- just wish they were a bit looser fitting, they kinda make me dysphoric: same with the crewneck :/.
I took my first exams on the 22nd and 28th, both for classical studies, and god am I glad. That class is basically over for the rest of the year, and they're giving us study hall to catch up on our other classes for the next few weeks. I've been using it for naps. In fact, I've been napping almost daily. I was super depressed a few weeks ago and I slept for 80% of the day -- I'm better now I think, but I still nap a shit ton lmao. Besides school, I watched a bunch of movies for the latter half of October. Lots of Halloween stuff, even though the holiday itself was kinda booty. I stayed home (duh) and didn't even dress up. I listened to MCR (to celebrate Frank Iero's birthday) and Slipknot and watched Donnie Darko like I always do. Also ate some candy on my own and rewatched Unfriended: Dark Web and Resident Evil with JG and MN (who decided to have a debate with me about abortion during the latter, lmfao). It was pretty fun.
One LARGE development in the time I've been gone is that I have a new crush! I talked about him briefly on the love page but it's definitely evolved since then. It started the night we watched Dracula and Borat together with JG about a week and a half ago and then he listened to music with me for 3 hours a few days later, and I've slowly grown kinda infatuated. Having a crush really really helps my sense of stability which I'm very grateful for lol. Anyways, I've been listening to so much of his favorite music and it's great. I'd already listened to 'Hurdy Gurdy Man' by Donovan when he recced it a few weeks ago, but recently I listened to Pink Floyd's 'the Piper at the Gates of Dawn' (with him and LS), two more Donovan albums, and Syd Barrett's two solo albums. Syd Barrett is his favorite artist and I'm slowly becoming obsessed with him too: 'the Madcap Laughs' is a beautiful album and knowing his backstory and how he dealt with psychosis and drug addiction is so tragic yet interesting and adds such meaning to the music. I also watched one of LM (the crush)'s favorite films, Guy Maddin's My Winnipeg. He lives in Winnipeg and has a real strong connection to it, which I find adorable and admirable. It was pretty good, but I'm worried that that combined with me listening to all his music makes it too terribly obvious that I like him ... one of our friends, EK, jokingly said 'I ship [LM] and [me]' upon seeing what I'd been listening to and that was ... scary. Lol.
Moving on from my current infatuation, I've also been listening to tons of metal, especially Black Sabbath, Metallica, and Slayer, as well as starting to rewatch both King of the Hill and Regular Show with my dad and brother. It all reminds me of 2015 when I was leaving childhood and starting to form my own interests in terms of media, while also still being super close with my dad. Not that the latter has changed much, but it's just really nice and comforting. Anyways, I think that's all I'm gonna put in for now. See you alll in hpefully sooner than a month lol ... OH I almost forgot !!! Biden won !!! I don't really like him or Kamala but I'm so fucking grateful Trump is out and I can retain my rights as a queer for at least a little longer. It was also sweet seeing MN freak out in the chat lmao. Anyways bye I love you all so much < 3 3 3
October 6th, 2020 ; [18:26]
Hi everyone ! Not much to say, sorry I've been gone for awhile - school is genuinely so draining and every time I sit down to do my dozens of missing assignments I can't bring up the motivation to do anything. But I've been really trying. I've been listening to lots of music, mostly Yung Lean, Paramore, and Frank Zappa, all of which remind me of different times in my life ( not all happy, but I appreciate the nostalgia nevertheless ).
Sunday night, one of my favorite wrestlers and the one who I named myself after, Kyle O'Reilly, faced Finn Balor ( who used to be NXT Champion but moved to the main roster in I think 2017, they've brought him back and he won the championship from Adam Cole a few weeks ago ) for the title and lost. I was really devestated because they had been building it up for a few weeks but I'm still incredibly proud of Kyle and how far he's come. I hope they continue pushing him as a singles fighter, I'll be watching NXT tonight to see what happens.
Aside from all that, yesterday I started and finished the first Danganronpa series. It was pretty good but I'm excited to watch V3 so I can recognize all the characters from tiktok cosplays lol. I'd play the games but I haven't any money to buy them : ( Anyways, it's almost my birthday ( Oct 19th ) and I'm hoping to get some gift money to buy PWG ( wrestling ) DVDs and some merch I've wanted for a while. If i can find a cheap PS2 and some Silent Hill games I'll get those too.
September 17th, 2020 ; [12:44]
My favorite tumblr mutual just deactivated their account with no prior notice :(. Well, kinda. They posted a few weeks ago saying they might deactivate and included their discord in the tags and I could've sworn I took a screenshot of it just in case. And now I can't find the fucking screenshot. I'm literally so mad because of that ... I loved this mutual so much, they were the only other person besides JG who I've seen mention PWG and their gifsets were so great and I loved how passionate they are about Adam Cole and Undisputed Era ( they're literally a walking encyclopedia for them ). I miss them so much and I literally cannot find the discord screenshot so I'm like . what the hell we gon do now. Their boyfriend is still on tumblr and I'm mutuals with them too but I don't wanna ask because that is literally SO awkward so. oh well.
September 10th, 2020 ; [11:29]
Omg hi beautiful ppl !!! so so sry for not updating school has been kicking my absolute ass and I haven't really had anything to talk about lmao. I'm getting used to my classes and stuff and like most of my teachers surprisingly! Every year I always have one that rubs me the wrong way but I feel like this time I'm cool with everybody ( except maybe my classical studies teacher but he's just been assigning loads of work lol ). I bought *** another drag queen cameo since the one for her bday never actually happened ( lmao ) and hopefully that's gonna get don today or tomorrow, thank GOD. I have to deliver her her card and necklace but I literally shiver and the thought or real life social interaction so that's an absolute No. Uhh besides school I've been listening to a crap ton of music and posting on tumblr lots. I need to start updating my main site more often again but I don't really have any ideas for that either so I'll figure it out lmfao. I hope everyone is doing amazing and being cool awesome and sexy. Love u guyz xxxxxxx < 3
August 28th, 2020 ; [09:00]
Really been thinking about my gender identity lately. I feel like wrestling in part helped me come to terms with being nonbinary; lately I've been projecting myself onto wrestlers like HBK, Jon Moxley, and Adam Cole and at this point I can't tell if I just find them attractive or I actually wanna look like them. It's weird. Also, Punk in the early 2000s: man, I wanna look like him really bad. It's mostly him and Moxley. OH and Harmony Korine in the mid-90s, holy crap I'd love to look like him. I also wanna go by the name Kyle or Punk in addition to my birthname that I don't really feel dysphoria associated with; changing my discord nickname to Kyle gave me gender euphoria but idk if I wanna go by it fully / partially / whatever. I'm scared that my friends are gonna be like lol fucking weirdo bye u are a girl but we are pretending you're nonbinary ( maybe I should've put this on the vent page lol ). Sigh ew blegh idk. I don't think I'm transmasc but I've literally always felt pretty masculine and liked dressing the part too. I feel kinda invalidated as an enby though because we're expected to be androgynous and not lean towards any binary and that just fucking sucks lol. I literally don't know if my expression is masc or androgynous or whatever. Just wanna dress like a 2000s skater boy plz < / 3 Huge fucking side note but my anatomy teacher just talked about Harley Quinn and how much she loves her and I was like YES BITCH! Anyways class time wig.
August 24th, 2020 ; [00:24]
I've been in a pretty big film server on discord for a while now and finally started being active in it last week. One of the higher ups, AD, is in the MN server ( I've talked to him a few times about wrestling, Jack White, and Weezer. he's p cool ) and promoted me to this role where I can partake in this thing they do called roulette! It's really fun, people are randomly selected to recommend films to each other and they have a week to watch and review the one they get. There's also awards I think, which is super fun. A lot of the people in there seem super awesome! Earlier today, before roulette people were assigned, I talked to some more higher up members in the music channel about Mike Kinsella and one guy gave me some math / emo recs!!! He said Algernon Cadwallader, which I was already gonna check out, Their / They're / There ( a Mike Kinsella band ), and Brand New. That interaction was awesome lol. Anyways, for roulette I got the dude who literally runs the whole game LMAO. I gave him 964 Pinocchio; hope he likes it lol. My guy gave me two options and I'm gonna try to watch both if possible, but we chose one to be the 'declared official' rec. It was Cockfight (1974) and Parents (1989), both of which look fucking baller.
Today was also SummerSlam, and it was pretty cool. My favorite wrestler, Asuka, had two matches; she lost the first and won the second. People on tumblr were pissed about her winning tho cause she beat Sasha Banks for the Raw women's title ( which she took from Asuka a few weeks ago lol ) and they were saying her title run got cut off way too fast. Made me kinda sad cause Sasha is cool and all and it's messed up that her reign ended but it felt like I wasn't allowed to feel happy about Asuka winning :(. Oh well lol. Gonna go vent about my dysphoria on the vent page teehee!
August 22nd, 2020 ; [03:47]
Yesterday I came out to another real-life person. NH is one of the very few people who I still talk to from middle school. I've known him since I moved here - which I can't say for anyone else, as I've cut them off - and last year we became so much closer than ever; I'm glad! Anyways, we were discussing our media studies projects (I did a really cool video art piece inspired by Petra Cortright) and I mentioned my website. He thought it was super cool and wanted to make one of his own! But anyways, he saw that I had they/them as my prnouns on there and tumblr and twitter and he asked me if I was nonbinary. I said yeah and that I haven't told anyone irl besides *** and he said that he thinks it's super cool and he won't tell anyone : ) that made me happy. I'm really grateful that he's stuck around with me for so long.
August 19th, 2020 ; [09:54]
Hi all :p I know I haven't updated in 4ever but I've been sooo swamped w work and I am sooo fucking anxious 4 school :/ it starts today and I still haven't finished over half of my APUSH assignment lmao. Apparently it's due on the 27th but I have a different teacher than the people who sad that so idk -_-. What I am kinda happy about is that I have three of the same teachers that I had last year!!! I was so nervous about having to meet new teachers online and the fact that I have my freshman-sophomore latin teacher for classical studies, my AP euro teacher for APUSH, and most of all my english teacher for media studies makes me so so happy and relieved! My other teacher seem nice but I've never heard of them before so idk. The only new teacher I have class with today is global perspectives and she made a little pre-recorded intro video and seemed sweet so I think that'll be fine. Uhhh aside from that I got a whopping two hours of sleep last night because I stayed up on call with JG (unsurprising) and god tht call was hilarious. I love when I'm on call with the boys and LOSE MY MIND laughing nonstop for like 5 minutes and that happened maybe three times last night so that was a fun preface to the schoolyear. N-E-Wayz I gotta go update my main site and join my media studies conference so bye guys!!!!! Ily all and hope u r doing amazing < 3 3 3 3
August 5th, 2020 ; [07:30]
Currently pulling an all-nighter to fix my sleep schedule because I cannot keep sleeping from 6am-4pm LMAO. Just watched NXT TakeOver Chicago II, two episodes of NXT after, a Hardy Boyz documentary, and a Dean Ambrose documentary + podcast episode with JG while on voicechat for seven hours. I'm tired but mostly hungry. I barely ate at all yesterday so I think I'm gonna go downstairs and cook myself breakfast for the first time in months.
Random side note but I'm so happy with my top 6 cards in that WWE Supercard game I talked about before like omg. I have two cards that are like the third highest tier in the game and one of them is fucking Kyle O'Reilly from the Undisputed Era ( I got it like yesterday and already maxed out the stats LMAO ) !!! I could not have gotten that card at a better time because I've been watching NXT more than ever and absolutely love the UE especially Kyle lmao. The other one from that tier is Dolph Ziggler, which I guess is fine because I'v always had high tier cards for him and got this specific one a while ago so it's super levelled up. My other two top men are a high-tier Shinsuke and Adam Cole, two of my all-time favs as well!!!! My top two women are a super high tier Sasha Banks ( who I guess is cool from what I've seen, but she was barely in NXT by the time I started watching so idk ) and Asuka, same tier as Shinsuke. I reaaaaally want a higher tier Asuka though because she's literally my second favorite wrestler ever and I've seen so many badass looking uber high tier cards for her. I guess I'll just have to keep grinding tbh LOL.
August 3rd, 2020 ; [19:46]
How the fuck is it already August ????? My classes start in two weeks and I haven't worked on my APUSH assignment whatsoever like the jackass I am lol. I guess I'll just speed through that in the next week that I'm at my mom's house. Blegh.
On a less depressing note the other day I watched the Japanese cyberpunk movie 964 Pinocchio and it was SO FUCKING GOOD !!! It's everything I could want ina movie like that, holy crap I love it so so much. Melanie from Five Star Hotel has letterboxd and it's on her favorites list ( her entire taste is godly I love her trans icon ) and a line from it is sampled on a Machine Girl song ... it just feels like I was meant to love this movie tbh.
Speaking of letterboxd, I am so PEEVED AWF!!! They changed their rules when it comes to importing stuff from TMDB ( their film data source basically ) and made it so pay-per-views can't be added cause they're under the 'video' setting ( -_- ). Me and JG tried changing a couple of them on TMDB a few weeks ago -- to add new ones, actually -- and it resulted in him getting banned for making duplicates because the video thingy was locked :/. One of the admins ( a known sexual predator but whatever I guess lmao ) pm'd me and said I'd also be banned if I continued adding 'false information' ( rolls eyes ). So basically today I opened letterboxd after just having woken up from a wonderful nap while waiting for it to stop being down like always, and saw that my film count went DOWN by like 40 so I was like ... the fuck; I checked my 'wwe network' tag and saw that ALL my entries for July were gone except for one NXT ppv. So that's awesome lol. Thanks letterboxd.
July 30th, 2020 ; [16:44]
just came out as enby to *** and im shaking SOOOO hard like my hands my arms my lehs and my chest hurts like i am so so so sos o anxious like she literally accepted me completely but i am so anxious my body is about to crumble into dust Yeah < 3 THE FACT THAT I WRITE THIS AT 4:44 PM BYE I KEEP SEEING THAT NUMBER THE ANGELS ARE WITH ME BABY
July 29th, 2020 ; [17:02]
I'm feeling so much more ... self-confident? I guess? because yesterday I told my friends to start using they/them solely for me. I also changed the pronouns in my letterboxd bio. I'm really happy!!! I know it's gonna be a hassle to come out to more people slowly but I think I can do it. I'm gonna tell the other discord (the MN one that I left a while ago) when I join back and then I think *** after that. I'm excited because I really feel like this is some kind of solace as to how I've been feeling for months now. happy happy happy :)
July 22nd, 2020 ; [18:42]
omg last night I played Sketchful.io with a bunch of people from the discord (not MN but that's fine he's musty anyways) including this one girl who I've been thinking is annoying asf but she was actually really fun to play it with But anyways GOD that game was ao fucking fun I wish I could've actually talked on VC but even without talking out loud I truly had such a fun time < 3 I love my friends period
July 18th, 2020 ; [06:16]
Dancer in the Dark is literally the saddest movie I have ever seen... I literally want to die. Fuck you Lars von Trier, JEEEEEESUS. Good ass movie though, it's free on Vudu PLEASE watch it it was fucking incredible but god was it DEPRESSING. Also, tangent, but I know I've been really freaking mopey on here and I want you guys to know that I'm fine. I'm just going through a lot of nonsense and it really helps to have somewhere to just dump it all out y'know. But besides all that crap I've been playing this super fun WWE trading card type game that JG showed me and I love it so much. I'm soooo addicted lol but it's fun to have something dumb like that to spend my time on so I'm not always worrying about other crap. Love you guys I hope you're all doing amazing < 3
July 9th, 2020 ; [07:18]
god holy shit I just cried SO hard watching a documentary about Chris Benoit ( the wrestler who killed himself and his family in 2007 ) like omg. When they were talking about when Eddie Guerrero died and how devestated Chris was to lose his best friend it broke me. And I was watching with JG ( who's a Taurus LIKE BENOIT ) and I'm a Libra ( LIKE EDDIE ) so it was like !!!!! GODDDDDDD Chris is just like JG when it comes to dedication and passion and keeping his emotions hidden on the surface so it just broke my fucking heart to put me and JG in their places and I was just empathizing so hard during the entire thing I just broke down crying. I HATE how there's this fucking stigma around Benoit because he was just so fucking hurt by his best friend in the entire world's death and having to deal with piece of shit Vince turning it into a fucking STORYLINE, and all the pressure from the expectations he set for himself and the whole sport ... god. The PPV that took place on the day he died was supposed to have a match between him and CM Punk for the ECW title and that breaks my heart even more because when ECW was still around Benoit was a HUGE part of it, and I know how tight-knit ECW people are, it's like one big family ... and since the shitty 2006 reboot they kinda threw out all the ECW guys like RVD and Benoit, and for him to have a chance to compete for that title again ( esp since it was against Punk who I'm 100% sure looked up to Benoit as a passionate hardcore dude ) just makes me feel so fucking bad for him. His last PPV appearance was at 'WWE' One Night Stand 07 and they had basically gotten rid of any fucking semblance of ECW at that point, it felt disgusting to watch. Benoit had to stand next to the ring doing fucking nothing during a Lumberjack match and god, I could tell he was so fucking out of it. That was just three short weeks before his death. I'm literally so devestated over his entire story, I fucking hate the WWE for making Benoit's last few years so painful and for not offering help to him before his death OR his remaining family afterwards. Jesus.
July 7th, 2020 ; [06:41]
I can't sleep because of that stupid fucking Panchiko album, holy SHIT. There's just something about it that makes me feel so fucking weird and desolate and sometimes listening to those songs triggers my derealization but I can't stop listening to them ?? The fact that these songs were abandoned and forgotten for 20 years aside from a disc-rotted corrupted version ... it's so beautifully sad in a way? To think about how fragile human existence is and how our creations go on for years without us, albiet sometimes in a state that degrades them from what we first meant. That album is just such a wonderful allegory and output for all my thoughts about the ephemeral nature of life. Everything is finite. Data, the digital world, the cloud, is finite. Most of all, people. It's such a striking juxtaposition between these songs as they were meant to be heard and the state that they were left in, 'ruined' by the elements. Perhaps that was really how they were meant to be heard. We should let forces out of our control shape us into what we truly are. In an absurdist way, maybe life really doesn't have meaning to it. But who fucking cares. Our creations live on past us, and in a positive light they can be held as legacy. For Panchiko, they couldn't imagine their lo-fi EP deteriorating and being found by some 4channer and brought to a new life, a first life in their case. Its just so fucking interesting to me. I could rant on about this bullshit for days and none of it would make sense.
July 7th, 2020 ; [06:17]
Today was supposed to be my first time doing voicechat with the boys ( and possibly MN, bane of my existence ) in literally 4ever, but SOMEHOW today was the first day in god knows how long that they didn't all stay up talking until 9 in the morning. Cries. Anywayz... I did a huge redesign on my main site ( dude all my mutuals 100% know who I am now but idrc LOL ) and I'm so fucking proud of myself for it!!! I'm finally reaching what I've wanted my site to look like from the very beginning. I feel like I could do just about anything, teehee. In other news, *** was supposed to come over today to pick up her birthday present ( literally like 2 weeks late lmfao ) but I forgot to buy a card. And package the gift. I think tomorrow I might convince my mom to take me to walgreens or something and the post office so I can send in my exchange for the Hardy pants ( I literally NEED THEM ). I just hope I can push back the hang-out date further ,, she didn't mention it today so hopefully she forgot LOL I hate social interaction part 3947833. Oh today is also the 4th anniversary of the Final Deletion. Stupid wrestling thing. Soooo so funny. Well I'm off to bed -- at 6 in the morning for the millionth night in a row. If my mom doesn't take me out tomorrow ( god, hopefully ) then I'm gonna watch My Own Private Idaho and NXT Takeover: Dallas. I'm talking too much. Luv luv luv all my mutuals esp all the recent ones, u guys absolutely rock and I hope you all have the best day evarrrr < 3 3 3
July 3rd, 2020 ; [05:09]
God, I feel like I go on Neocities way too much. What can I say, I love ranting about my life and more importantly I love seeing how you guys are doing!! I always check up on my wonderful internet neighbors to see what's going on in everyone's life. Neocities really fills me with this lovely sense of fulfilment ... just having a community without judgement and this sense of mutual bonding. Sigh ... I love you all < 3
July 2nd, 2020 ; [19:28]
I've been exploring tons of old wrestling fansites from the late 90s and have found myself fantisizing about what it would've been like to be a fan back then. Nowadays I have access to anything WWE/NXT/ECW from the dawn of time whenever I want it. Back then you would've had to pay for each individual payperview or scourge around for a tape of an ECW show. Imagine trying to memorize Jericho's 'RAW is Jericho' speech; that has me laughing. Having to rewind the tape over and over again to make sure you get the phrasing and timing right, lol. But sigh, back then stuff must've been so much simpler. Then again, I would've mever met JG and this never gotten into wrestling, but god, I wish I could travel back to 2004 (I'd have like, 90% of all the media I consume right now anyways) and just enjoy life then.
June 28th, 2020 ; [05:30]
I don't know how I'm gonna get used to a normal school/life schedule again, holy crap lol. Me and JG watch wrestling for literally 4-7 hours every night. I haven't slept before 4:30, usually 5, in weeks maybe months. But I love it. Wrestling is such a joy for me and I'm so glad I got into it because the sheer amount of love and passion and happiness I feel and gain from experiencing wrestling is insane. Not to mention the fact that I've only seen like 5 years' worth of content, and I have at least 18 left if not more??? What a wonderful world I've entered into. And all thanks to JG. I love him so much, I really owe him the world :,) can't wait to share a dorm with him in college and watch wrestling all day and play video games together. That's gonna rock.
June 27th, 2020 ; [14:24]
Apparently my cat is 3 years older than we thought she was, and she has an enlarged heart ;-; I love her so much I really hope she's okay, she's been acting really sick lately. We took her to the vet and hopefully she'll be feeling better soon. In other news, it pisses me off so much when my mom tells me to shave my fucking legs (or worse, wants to pursuade me into letting her WAX them). I literally do not leave the house besides to go to my dad's house and vice versa, and the only time I've worn shorts in the past 6 years was on tour when I was forced to go to a waterpark. I think she thinks I like having hairy legs??? Which I don't I guess, Imm not an avid fan but it truly does not fucking matter. It's hair. Fuck off !!!!!
June 25th, 2020 ; [14:40]
Aaaaaahhhh omg!!!! I emailed my english teacher (soon to be media studies teacher in August!) a few days ago and she replied back! I sent her her HW's article about Abel Ferrara and she replied asking for Ferrara recs and a whooole giant list of recs for me!!! I love her so much and I miss her and I'm so glad that she asked ME!!!!!! for recommendations!!!! I cannot wait to talk to her about film next year, I'm genuinely so excited. What a queen oh my godddd :,)
June 25th, 2020 ; [11:20]
Ugh. Today is ***'s birthday and I can't hang out with her or do anything because of COVID and because I'm at my dad's house (yes again because my mom "wasn't feeling well' and told me we were leaving 10 mins before my dad got to her house so yes I also don't have my laptop ugh) and *** is having an absolutely terrible day. I had the misfortune or waking up early today so I saw all her vent tweets and texts but I usually don't text her until 1:30 or so and I'm going to do the same now because I'm sorry but I truly cannot handle it ,,, and I'm scared that she's gonna make me hang out with her. I can't function in social situations anymore.
June 23rd, 2020 ; [17:32]
Finally back on my laptop! I've been wanting to buy Jeff Hardy-style Kikwear/JNCO Cargo skater whatever the crap pants for a while now and I finally bought some (rather, something like them)! I bought these BDG Skater Pant things from Urban Outfitters and I think they look so cool. I also bought some vintage Reverb jeans on Depop cause they were the only thing in that orbit that fit my size color and price range ;-; I'm also finally going thrifting again today and I can't wait to buy some cheesy XXL men's shirts with stupid slogans on them (a la Jericho 'don't be an ass clown'). I'm also kinda anxious though because I still haven't bought *** her birthday gift. The Cameo I bought her before didn't get delivered and the other person she wants one from is 'temporarily unavailable' so I bought her a snake necklace from Urban instead ... hopefully that's good enough lawl.
June 22nd, 2020 ; [04:14]
Ooooh I can't believe I didn't mention !!! Last night my dad bought Detroit: Become Human and GOD I'm obsessed. The only problem is I got the bad Connor ending so I have to replay like the entire game to fix it because it genuinely made me sob for like an hour ... I felt so hopeless. Really sad honestly. Anyways I'm absolutely lovestruck for Hank and would like to Marry him. I also adore Kara and Connor, but Markus kinda pisses me off. And his missions are boring lol idc. But god I can't play again until a week from now cause I'm going to my mom's :( Hopefully starting from a clean slate will be better, though, and I can get my happy ending.
June 20th, 2020 ; [01:40]
I wrote a review on Holy Wood by Marilyn Manson. Nobody I know likes him, though, so I'll put in here for all the TCC junkies. Love ya.
This is the height of Marilyn Manson.
Holy Wood is the last in his ‘Triptych,’ (Antichrist Superstar, Mechanical Animals, Holy Wood) — while narratively the first — a trilogy that satirized the state of American pop culture throughout the late 90s. In the final instalment, Manson tells of a commercialized revolution taking place in the titular Holy Wood, a ‘Disneyesque’ caricature of modern America.
Released in the aftermath of the Columbine highschool tragedy, Manson pulled out all the metaphorical stops and symbolism he could on this album. What resulted was the pinnacle of his image and persona, centered around ‘guns, god, and government’ in the staple album that would define both a band and a generation.
This is filled to the brim with all the shock-rock religious imagery of Antichrist Superstar, the satirical mock of celebrity culture in Mechanical Animals, and powered by MM’s core anti-establishment self — while personifying the same establishment simultaneously.
These themes all culminate in the anthems Disposable Teens, Target Audience, Cruci-fiction in Space, and the infamous Nobodies.
Holy Wood is an absolute metaphorical powerhouse that hits the nine inch nails on the head in terms of Manson’s staple elements. Necessary album in any industrial metal catalogue, and it’s interesting to study the relationship between its themes and those of Natural Born Killers (an obvious allusion to the Columbine killers).
Manson has always been the king of controversy, and he’s not afraid to boast his image like a gun, a bible, or a presidential speech. The ideal anti-American patriot.
June 19th, 2020 ; [20:01]
I'm really happy today!!! Yesterday my brother (the demon himself) got Red Dead Redemption II and he's actually been letting me play surprisingly. I absolutely love it so far! Arthur Morgan is a MUCH better protagonist to play as than boring old John Marston (don't come for me, I only got like an hour into the first game) and there's so much stuff to do everywhere. Besides RDR2 I've also been messing around on this new app called Musicboard. Well, technically not new because it launched a week ago and the servers were garbage but now they're testing it again with existing users and it runs so much smoother. I've been publishing tons of ranked lists for my favorite artists' discography and it's genuinely so much fun. I'm also really happy cause I've been interacting with Neocities more and exploring people's sites (even without my laptop ;-;) and seeing everybody be so passionate about everything and supporting each other makes me so happy. I love you guys.
June 18th, 2020 ; [00:47]
Apparently stupid discord is down AND my dad just stole my charger as I'm at 20%, so I guess I have no choice but to sleep 5 hours earlier than my current sleep schedule is used to. Awesome. Hope MN actually texts me back otherwise he's a waste of my time and I hate him for making me experience Feelings.
June 16th, 2020 ; [00:32]
Typing this on my phone (the coding is so awkward to do) because I'm an idiot and left my laptop at my moms, and I'm at my dads for a full fucking week, but I digress; I've been thinking about a guy recently. So I'm in this film chat thing on discord, not my main friend group but another one with some guys who are big on letterboxd and some of which I've been following for a while. Anyways, one of the guys, I'll call him MN, has been really nice to me since I first joined. Well, a lot of them were nice too, so I assumed he was just welcoming me like the rest of them, right? But apparently since the beginning the other guys have been pestering him for 'simping' for me, and like ... that kinda makes me really happy LOL. Like he uses the puppy dog eyes emoji and the shy fingers while talking to me and texts me when I'm awake at 5am asking if I wanna voicechat, and it's so sweet of him I guess. I don't know if I like him or if I'm just happy to get the attention tbh. Either way I'll take it LMAO. Also side note -- I just finished watching Resident Evil (fucking loved it btw) and the end credits used My Plague by Slipknot!!! I got so happy when I heard it, it honestly made my day :)
June 14th, 2020 ; [04:04]
Sucked it up and got on call with JG and JW. Got JG to listen to KoRn and Slipknot (FINALLY), and he said he liked Corey's vocals on Wait & Bleed and the drums/guitars on (Sic). That made me happy :)
June 14th, 2020 ; 00:29
So I made this page today. Felt good to have a physical (well, more physical than me typing on my phone and having a bot automatically reward me points for how much I talk) place for me to get my thoughts out. I tried a written diary at the start of last year and it really didn't work out. I only ever used it when things got so bad that I couldn't handle it anymore. Moved onto an Instagram 'super priv(ate)' where only my 'closest friends' followed me. Felt too annoying. Then I progressed to a private Twitter (which I now mostly use to shit talk people on my main), writing rants in my notes app, and finally my own discord. And now we're here.
I didn't do much today. I stayed up until 6am last night doing god knows what, especially since all my friends ignored me as they talked on voice chat for five hours, and woke up at 3pm. I checked in on this one dude from a film group I'm apart of who was on the verge of killing himself yesterday, it turns out he was fine because my friend called the cops on him. Not my ideal handling of the scenario, but in a panic for someone you love's life there aren't many logical options. I'm just glad he's okay. Watched House of 1,000 Corpses today, as I've been meaning to for awhile (give or take five years), and enjoyed it a bit. Did some website stuff, freaked out because my mom wanted to invite my friend over (I'll get into that on the vent page), and ordered UberEats. I got hot wings, and they were good. Watched Silver Linings Playbook with my mom and honestly, it pissed me off. You're telling me someone with bipolar disorder who just got out of the psych ward for delusions and an outburst can have his disorder magically cured by finding a mentally unstable girlfriend and hugging his dad? What a fucking joke. If you like that movie, fuck off. I really don't care.
Anyways, while I was watching the worst movie ever (kidding, it wasn't that bad but god was it annoying), my friends were all on call. When the movie ended, they still were, and whoopdeedoo -- turns out they all changed their discord profile pictures to members of that stupid fucking Brainsurge show. You know, the weird gameshow that was on Nickelodeon like ten years ago? That's their new thing now. They watch that without me for like, 8 hours a night. Fucking annoying. This isn't the vent page so I'll shut up. I digress; I then made this website in hopes to find a new place to vent, because I can't stay on discord while those rats laugh at how pathetic I am. That's all for today kids.